Help! My Book’s a Vampire!

Vampire Book on the Loose!

Vampire Book on the Loose!

After what seemed like a year, but was in fact three weeks, my proof copies of BATDIG part 1 have arrived. I feel like Marty McFly’s Dad at the end of Back to the Future, also part 1, opening that box of books. Five very smart-looking and really quite yellow copies of my creation staring up at me.

So, it wasn’t a dream after all – I really did write a novel.

Oddly, the first copy out the box seemed a little chunkier than the others. That is weird. Has this one been body-building, doing press-ups in the box until it arrived safely from South Carolina to be greeted by the continuous rain of a Welsh summer? Or is it something more sinister?

Well, of course it’s something more sinister. Anyone can see that there isn’t room for press-ups in a box that size.

In the middle of BATDIG, slap bang in the middle in fact, there is another book*. 36 pages of short stories, no less. It occurs to me that this is a book that has been stripped from its outer shell, sucked from between its covers like marrow from a bone, possibly screaming in a way books don’t, whilst all around other books, lying in wait for delivery (or maybe deliverance?), do nothing. It is obvious:

This book is a vampire.

It probably didn’t start out that way. I have it on good authority** that Mr and Mrs Dracula Senior were pillars of the community in Transylvania. They helped with coffee mornings, they manned the tombola at the school fete and even while Mrs Dracula was pregnant with junior, still found time to help out with the blood donation sessions for the local equivalent of the Red Cross. The parents could not have known what their son would become, even after the unfortunate ‘prank’ that saw Mrs Dracula drink some O+ instead of her tomato soup for lunch.

I have it on unimpeachable authority*** that even Frankenstein set out to create what was to be, essentially, a talking teddy bear. It just took on a life of its own and things got out of hand, that’s all. Blame it first on the lightning then on the pitchforks.

I will assume that my book is just one that has ‘gone bad’. Perhaps the other four copies that accompanied it will ‘turn’ later?

Perhaps I should take preventative action??

Staking the Vampire Book

Prevention: Staking the Vampire Book

-0O0-

* I just want to say that I e-mailed the company who printed these proofs and within an hour they had dispatched a replacement, non-vampirical copy. Now that’s customer service! Thank you Clare and everyone there!

** I made it up.

** Me again, sorry.

WHEN WRITING IS THIS MUCH FUN, WHY DO ANYTHING ELSE?

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Categories: BATDIG, General silliness, NaNoWriMo, Writing | Tags: , , , | 9 Comments

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9 thoughts on “Help! My Book’s a Vampire!

  1. You’ve taken the correct preventative measures so far. I would also suggest laying hands on some holy water. You can visit your local church, synagogue, or temple for that. A light sprinkle of droplets should do it, but if you’re concerned about a vampiric infestation, you might want to dump the entire book in a bucket of holy water for good measure.

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    • I only hope my Kindle version hasn’t been bitten – I don’t think my Kindle will cope with the treatment, water or otherwise!

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      • If your Kindle has been bitten, we might have a Allspark, Transformers situation on our hands. In which case I urge you to head for the Hoover Dam at top speed, and kindly don’t pass my house on the way.

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  2. Maya Panika

    Ooh! You’re in print, *actual* print! Excellent!
    I’m in the process of adding BATDIG to my reading lists but I can’t get to you on Goodreads – if you’re not on Goodreads you really ought to be, it’s the best publicity tool in my armoury, honestly! I’m curious why your book’s not coming up there, though. Maybe because they had a falling out with Amazon…? I don’t know. It’s something that needs to be rectified, I think, if you have the energy. Anyway, you’re on my blog read-list anyway, or will be in a bit, when I’ve uploaded the pix. I hope it’s going well for you.

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    • I feel like I’m twelve again when I glance up at the shelf behind me and see the 5 copies sat up there with other real, actual, proper books! Worth every cent of the $12 postage.
      I will add myself onto Goodreads – you know how it is, all this self-advertising and social media is very time-consuming! But I think it is the way to go, at least until an old-fashioned publisher finds you and Steven Spielberg calls to buy the movie rights.
      Part 2 is on its way but I think I’ll have to tweak the August deadline as mentioned on the ‘Coming Soon’ page. I blame the weather. That, and the lack of words. But mostly the weather.

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      • Maya Panika

        Let me know when you’re on Goodreads and I’ll add you and your book. It is hideously time consuming, isn’t it? I’m trying to look on it as a second job (and quite an onerous one at that). Part two of mine will be a long time coming. I’ve only just started work on detailing the plot and already three unexpected characters have popped up and two surprise plot lines. I’m thinking it’s going to be a year at least.

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      • Oh my god… get that book off the shelf! It has already consumed one book and now you have put another group of innocents in its path!
        If you wake up one morning and it has somehow made its way onto your bedside table you will know you are in real trouble. (I love the thought of the Transformers situation with your bitten kindle, I’m still laughing)

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        • I am keeping some garlic and a stake next to the bed, just in case. I might send in a synopsis of this to Michael Bay in case he wants to make Transformers 4: Dark Side of the Tome.
          I am hoping that sacrificing my old copy of Asimov’s Foundation Trilogy might fill it up – indeed, if I had a copy of War and Peace that would probably do the trick!

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  3. Maybe you could pin it down under a few old phonebooks, it might take a while before if makes its way through them and starts creeping up the stairs.

    If you hear the rustle of pages in the night just check properly before you do any stake plunging. I’m sure that using the vampire book excuse while trying to explain to the police why your just-one-more-chapter-before-sleeping wife has a stake in her chest might be a little difficult…

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