After what seemed like a year, but was in fact three weeks, my proof copies of BATDIG part 1 have arrived. I feel like Marty McFly’s Dad at the end of Back to the Future, also part 1, opening that box of books. Five very smart-looking and really quite yellow copies of my creation staring up at me.
So, it wasn’t a dream after all – I really did write a novel.
Oddly, the first copy out the box seemed a little chunkier than the others. That is weird. Has this one been body-building, doing press-ups in the box until it arrived safely from South Carolina to be greeted by the continuous rain of a Welsh summer? Or is it something more sinister?
Well, of course it’s something more sinister. Anyone can see that there isn’t room for press-ups in a box that size.
In the middle of BATDIG, slap bang in the middle in fact, there is another book*. 36 pages of short stories, no less. It occurs to me that this is a book that has been stripped from its outer shell, sucked from between its covers like marrow from a bone, possibly screaming in a way books don’t, whilst all around other books, lying in wait for delivery (or maybe deliverance?), do nothing. It is obvious:
This book is a vampire.
It probably didn’t start out that way. I have it on good authority** that Mr and Mrs Dracula Senior were pillars of the community in Transylvania. They helped with coffee mornings, they manned the tombola at the school fete and even while Mrs Dracula was pregnant with junior, still found time to help out with the blood donation sessions for the local equivalent of the Red Cross. The parents could not have known what their son would become, even after the unfortunate ‘prank’ that saw Mrs Dracula drink some O+ instead of her tomato soup for lunch.
I have it on unimpeachable authority*** that even Frankenstein set out to create what was to be, essentially, a talking teddy bear. It just took on a life of its own and things got out of hand, that’s all. Blame it first on the lightning then on the pitchforks.
I will assume that my book is just one that has ‘gone bad’. Perhaps the other four copies that accompanied it will ‘turn’ later?
Perhaps I should take preventative action??
* I just want to say that I e-mailed the company who printed these proofs and within an hour they had dispatched a replacement, non-vampirical copy. Now that’s customer service! Thank you Clare and everyone there!
** I made it up.
** Me again, sorry.
WHEN WRITING IS THIS MUCH FUN, WHY DO ANYTHING ELSE?